My story

I decided to start this blog, because they say that its best to be accountable to someone when you are trying to recover from an addiction.

Seems like a valid enough reason

I tend to write things the way that I think, in a semi to non linear approach that usually makes sense but occasionally does not. 

I'm not  a big fan grammar which is why I tend to ignore it. 

Now I think it is appropriate for me to tell my story over the course of the next few days.

Ill generally add these semi line breaks between streams of thought.

I hope that this blog both helps me, and helps whoever is reading this. I know that this is and will be the largest struggle of my life.

The act of keeping up this facade of working, and having it together, and simultaneously not. Is excruciating. 

It eats me

It kills me

It sits in my mind

Drawing out every thought

Moments last for decades

Decisions are no longer easy

There is a large part of me that fights for me to do what I shouldn't

And at the same time There is a much stronger part that is rooting for me the entire time. And every time

every time i listen

every time i head that part, the part that roots for me

I feel better

I understand The gospel more

But every time i fail

every time i vote for my failure

every time i fail to act

every time i fail

every time i fail to choose

every

single

time

i feel a small moment of relief

this is an equivalent amount of time to how long the higgs boson was there when they discovered it(or proved its existence or whatever you want to call that)

And then

dread

uninteresting

unrelenting

dread

stress

crushing failure

and yet i feel nothing

i feel empty

i feel alone

i feel like i dont deserve anything good

i struggle to fall asleep

i struggle to get up

i struggle to find the motivation to do anything but wallow in my self pity

i just struggle

But I am not here today to focus on my feelings, that is simply more of a pre-rant. 

I really want to get this blog started off, by observing my path to this blog, sort of a intro self retrospective view. 

Identifying a point to start is hard. My parents were perfectly good parent's, they were always trying. My parents were definitely not perfect, when I was younger there was some financial trouble and that caused stress to my parents. I myself am on the autism spectrum, but on the genius side of the autism spectrum. I went to my local elementary school, then was home schooled, and then went to a special program for a few years, that was supposed to help the kids like me in the school district learn to think in different ways, and learn more quicker. These were probably my best years of school, in terms of what and how much I learned, and its applicability to my life. 

My older brother and younger sister are also on the autism spectrum, but they are on the mental retardation side of the spectrum. This also caused my parents stress. I love my siblings, my parents love my siblings and I. My parents were always willing and encouraging for my desires to improve and to learn. I participated in optimist football from 8-12 years old. My siblings participated in special ed softball. 

We grew up with what we needed and some of what we wanted. 

I think what actually got me curious and eventually hooked to porn was my addiction to video games. My dad works for a computer company and subsequently we have a fairly decent computer, and always have had a decent computer. Better than average but definitely not a a gaming computer. I would 'Go to bed' until my mother and father were asleep by 11-12pm and then sneak down to the computer and play some game for a few hours, i used to be into runescape and other games. 

Now the hard part is remembering how this all got started. I think i found some risque conversations in runescape. I would pretend to be 'bf' and 'gf' with other people playing. then as the internet progressed, Ads began to fund everything. I remember the first add i accidentally saw that had a mostly naked woman, That made me start to think and i was intrigued

Somewhere along the way i began to wonder about masturbation, this led to some experimenting that led to my first ejaculation, i was oddly proud, i think i was 13 or 14 it was in July so i wasn't in school. but thats all i can remember at this point. 

I didn't realize at that point that i was headed down a terrible road. 

I think that is enough for tonight, I need to get up in 7 hours, goodnight.