Positivity

Today I focused on being positive. I learned that I am often too hard on myself. I criticize myself incessantly. I struggle to forgive myself and to move on. Yeah I'm not perfect, but that doesn't mean that I'm not trying it just means that I'm Human it means that I exist and, in fact, it means I am trying. The simple recognition that I am not perfect and that I have room for improvement points to and correlates to the fact of my struggle, A.K.A. my attempts, my trials, my progress. Struggling is a symptom of growth. When one physically lifts something outrageously heavy, for long periods of time, one begins to struggle. Sometimes we quiver, sometimes we shudder, sometimes we drop the weight. That means that we tried. The mere fact that our muscles struggle, shows growth. It shows that we are trying. It shows that we have begun a process of healing.
     To me it is important to remember that this whole addiction is a process of and for learning and growth. My struggles are not my own. There are countless people who struggle with addictions, and especially a lot of people who struggle with addictions to pornography and masturbation. Not to mention the lustful thoughts and actions. The desires that we simply wish we didn't have. I know it's hard, believe me I get it.
     It's been at least four years now I think. Not that I am keeping a strict count.
But yeah, thanks guys, keep it up, try again, you got this.

Hi Again

As it would seem to always be, I find myself here on another Sunday. I just posted what I had written a number of weeks ago, but had failed to post.
     This journey is hard, I'm pretty sure anyone that is has or was struggling with any addiction knows that, and their loves ones know it too, at least they should(me and my run on sentences). Church was great today. Sometimes I forget that. These last two weeks for example I failed to go to church and to enjoy the spirit there. Sometimes I attempt to convince myself that I just don't need to be there enough. Or that no one will notice. Or that it's not the most effective use of my time. More often though, I passive aggressively try to sleep through the first hour of church and decide that It's already too late, might as well not go. I did that the last two weeks. Luckily for me the Lord reminds me every time I go to church that that is where I need to be. Being at church allows me to feel the spirit. It helps me to draw closer to him, and provides a safe place from the attacks of the adversary. I rarely feel tempted at church, as long as I came to church ready to be there. Of course that is not to say it doesn't happen, but my mindset and the attitudes of the people around me really help me to feel the spirit.
     Church is great and yeah, I love it, and I need to not forget that. Focus on the positive.

As it often is I come to reflect my life choices on sundays. I recognize where I am, and I remember where I want to be, and where I want to go. As I have struggled these previous years, and as I have let this addiction consume my life I have changed. In some ways I have become a stronger more faithfull and self reflective person. In other ways I have degraded in my attitudes toward my fellow men and myself.

I find it difficult to quantity my addiction. I recognize that I am powerless to overcome it by myself. I recognize that for me personally it is a litter all minute by minute struggle. Some days as in a few a year, I don't feel the struggle. Those tend to be after I had given up for a few weeks. I had gotten too the point where Satan was convinced he had me in his grasp so firmly that he lessened a little simply because I had been 'obtained'. I would then remember what I want out of life and I choose again. To do good, or at least at a minimum  a desire to stop spending my time hating myself.

My struggle is daily therefore I need daily strength. I need the power from our heavenly father each and every moment of every single day. How do I obtain this strength? That's the question. How do I obtain the desire to do the things neccessary to overcome this addiction? I know things that help daily scripture study. Constant prayer, keeping a him in my heart, memorizing scriptures, indexing names.

Why then, do I refuse to do these things? It's because I grow lazy, complacent, I forget how much I desire to change, Satan throws everything he has arrived me to try to win my soul, and I cave. I forget to stick to my schedule, I allow other things to control my life. Endless hours of video games watching netflix till the early morning and going to my job as driver with less than 4 hours of sleep.

I simply