Positivity

Today I focused on being positive. I learned that I am often too hard on myself. I criticize myself incessantly. I struggle to forgive myself and to move on. Yeah I'm not perfect, but that doesn't mean that I'm not trying it just means that I'm Human it means that I exist and, in fact, it means I am trying. The simple recognition that I am not perfect and that I have room for improvement points to and correlates to the fact of my struggle, A.K.A. my attempts, my trials, my progress. Struggling is a symptom of growth. When one physically lifts something outrageously heavy, for long periods of time, one begins to struggle. Sometimes we quiver, sometimes we shudder, sometimes we drop the weight. That means that we tried. The mere fact that our muscles struggle, shows growth. It shows that we are trying. It shows that we have begun a process of healing.
     To me it is important to remember that this whole addiction is a process of and for learning and growth. My struggles are not my own. There are countless people who struggle with addictions, and especially a lot of people who struggle with addictions to pornography and masturbation. Not to mention the lustful thoughts and actions. The desires that we simply wish we didn't have. I know it's hard, believe me I get it.
     It's been at least four years now I think. Not that I am keeping a strict count.
But yeah, thanks guys, keep it up, try again, you got this.

Hi Again

As it would seem to always be, I find myself here on another Sunday. I just posted what I had written a number of weeks ago, but had failed to post.
     This journey is hard, I'm pretty sure anyone that is has or was struggling with any addiction knows that, and their loves ones know it too, at least they should(me and my run on sentences). Church was great today. Sometimes I forget that. These last two weeks for example I failed to go to church and to enjoy the spirit there. Sometimes I attempt to convince myself that I just don't need to be there enough. Or that no one will notice. Or that it's not the most effective use of my time. More often though, I passive aggressively try to sleep through the first hour of church and decide that It's already too late, might as well not go. I did that the last two weeks. Luckily for me the Lord reminds me every time I go to church that that is where I need to be. Being at church allows me to feel the spirit. It helps me to draw closer to him, and provides a safe place from the attacks of the adversary. I rarely feel tempted at church, as long as I came to church ready to be there. Of course that is not to say it doesn't happen, but my mindset and the attitudes of the people around me really help me to feel the spirit.
     Church is great and yeah, I love it, and I need to not forget that. Focus on the positive.

As it often is I come to reflect my life choices on sundays. I recognize where I am, and I remember where I want to be, and where I want to go. As I have struggled these previous years, and as I have let this addiction consume my life I have changed. In some ways I have become a stronger more faithfull and self reflective person. In other ways I have degraded in my attitudes toward my fellow men and myself.

I find it difficult to quantity my addiction. I recognize that I am powerless to overcome it by myself. I recognize that for me personally it is a litter all minute by minute struggle. Some days as in a few a year, I don't feel the struggle. Those tend to be after I had given up for a few weeks. I had gotten too the point where Satan was convinced he had me in his grasp so firmly that he lessened a little simply because I had been 'obtained'. I would then remember what I want out of life and I choose again. To do good, or at least at a minimum  a desire to stop spending my time hating myself.

My struggle is daily therefore I need daily strength. I need the power from our heavenly father each and every moment of every single day. How do I obtain this strength? That's the question. How do I obtain the desire to do the things neccessary to overcome this addiction? I know things that help daily scripture study. Constant prayer, keeping a him in my heart, memorizing scriptures, indexing names.

Why then, do I refuse to do these things? It's because I grow lazy, complacent, I forget how much I desire to change, Satan throws everything he has arrived me to try to win my soul, and I cave. I forget to stick to my schedule, I allow other things to control my life. Endless hours of video games watching netflix till the early morning and going to my job as driver with less than 4 hours of sleep.

I simply

My story

I decided to start this blog, because they say that its best to be accountable to someone when you are trying to recover from an addiction.

Seems like a valid enough reason

I tend to write things the way that I think, in a semi to non linear approach that usually makes sense but occasionally does not. 

I'm not  a big fan grammar which is why I tend to ignore it. 

Now I think it is appropriate for me to tell my story over the course of the next few days.

Ill generally add these semi line breaks between streams of thought.

I hope that this blog both helps me, and helps whoever is reading this. I know that this is and will be the largest struggle of my life.

The act of keeping up this facade of working, and having it together, and simultaneously not. Is excruciating. 

It eats me

It kills me

It sits in my mind

Drawing out every thought

Moments last for decades

Decisions are no longer easy

There is a large part of me that fights for me to do what I shouldn't

And at the same time There is a much stronger part that is rooting for me the entire time. And every time

every time i listen

every time i head that part, the part that roots for me

I feel better

I understand The gospel more

But every time i fail

every time i vote for my failure

every time i fail to act

every time i fail

every time i fail to choose

every

single

time

i feel a small moment of relief

this is an equivalent amount of time to how long the higgs boson was there when they discovered it(or proved its existence or whatever you want to call that)

And then

dread

uninteresting

unrelenting

dread

stress

crushing failure

and yet i feel nothing

i feel empty

i feel alone

i feel like i dont deserve anything good

i struggle to fall asleep

i struggle to get up

i struggle to find the motivation to do anything but wallow in my self pity

i just struggle

But I am not here today to focus on my feelings, that is simply more of a pre-rant. 

I really want to get this blog started off, by observing my path to this blog, sort of a intro self retrospective view. 

Identifying a point to start is hard. My parents were perfectly good parent's, they were always trying. My parents were definitely not perfect, when I was younger there was some financial trouble and that caused stress to my parents. I myself am on the autism spectrum, but on the genius side of the autism spectrum. I went to my local elementary school, then was home schooled, and then went to a special program for a few years, that was supposed to help the kids like me in the school district learn to think in different ways, and learn more quicker. These were probably my best years of school, in terms of what and how much I learned, and its applicability to my life. 

My older brother and younger sister are also on the autism spectrum, but they are on the mental retardation side of the spectrum. This also caused my parents stress. I love my siblings, my parents love my siblings and I. My parents were always willing and encouraging for my desires to improve and to learn. I participated in optimist football from 8-12 years old. My siblings participated in special ed softball. 

We grew up with what we needed and some of what we wanted. 

I think what actually got me curious and eventually hooked to porn was my addiction to video games. My dad works for a computer company and subsequently we have a fairly decent computer, and always have had a decent computer. Better than average but definitely not a a gaming computer. I would 'Go to bed' until my mother and father were asleep by 11-12pm and then sneak down to the computer and play some game for a few hours, i used to be into runescape and other games. 

Now the hard part is remembering how this all got started. I think i found some risque conversations in runescape. I would pretend to be 'bf' and 'gf' with other people playing. then as the internet progressed, Ads began to fund everything. I remember the first add i accidentally saw that had a mostly naked woman, That made me start to think and i was intrigued

Somewhere along the way i began to wonder about masturbation, this led to some experimenting that led to my first ejaculation, i was oddly proud, i think i was 13 or 14 it was in July so i wasn't in school. but thats all i can remember at this point. 

I didn't realize at that point that i was headed down a terrible road. 

I think that is enough for tonight, I need to get up in 7 hours, goodnight.